A whole day, just to yourself

This picture is from the February 2009 Ideal Home calendar. I really liked it at the time, and spent quite some time shopping for a similar tea cup, to no avail.  I thought it was appropriate to use now, because of the metaphorical element. It sort of describes where I am on my journey right now.

Well - crash - after lots of good days, I have had a stinker. I'm trying to work out why. Maybe I am kinder to myself when Dom is on holiday? I resign myself to a 'we'll get it done' sort of mentality, rather than 'I must get this done before Dom gets home - I am lazy / selfish / uncaring / not good enough etc'. I don't know why my internal voice is so harsh, it seems so bloody obvious when you write it down. I KNOW I should ignore her, but there she is whispering in my ear all the time, and deep down, I admit, I believe her, at least on some level.  If you work out a way to shut her up, please let me know!

My current worries are:

a) That I am hideously fat

b) I am a terrible parent

c) That I was so bad at my job it was bordering on the criminal. Any thought of ever daring to think I could work again is laughable.

d) That I am actually pretending to be ill, to seek attention from others

e) That I have some sort of narcissistic personality disorder that is obvious to everyone but me.

f) That I am deeply, irritatingly, needy.

g) that if anyone tells me the above is not true, they are just being kind because they want to spare me from the truth.

I am writing them down, because they look so silly on paper. But there is a sort of interal logic to them when they are unexpressed. Like they are a truism I just accept. I think a lot of this is at the root of my problems.

That was surprisingly cathartic!

I had a read of lovely old Dr Cantopher's book again this morning, something I haven't done for a long time. He said that, at this stage, I should start tasks and not expect to finish them. He should pop round and see the hoover in the middle of the floor. He said it's better to start, do a bit, and then sit down and leave the task unfinished than it is to either not try, or to push yourself to do too much. That rang really true for me and was strangely comforting.

Despite the stinker of a day, I am still feeling positive about the 101 in 1001 challenge. I completely sorted my photo files out last night, which is fab. They were in a right mess, often duplicated, and it took me ages to find anything. I feel much better organised now they are sorted.

Today I will continue to update the blog with the 2009 projects. I will also update my calendar and have a sleep. I may finish my socks, we'll see. Workwise, I want to change the bedclothes, put on a load of washing and make dinner. Ideally I will clean the bathroom too, but we'll see.

Thank you for listening to my insane ramblings, it actually really helps. 

Speak soon bloggers

C x