Well, it's the first of December and we had the first frosts of winter here last night, very appropriate. As has become the festive tradition in this house, I forgot to get the advent calendars again. Whoops.
It's been a truly crap week, so I haven't posted because I haven't felt up to it. Sorry guys. I also haven't taken any pictures, so I am going to post favourite inspiration posts and talk about depression miseries, I hope you like the juxtaposition. See it as black humour.
On the plus side, Saturday was lovely. We went for a drive around Sunk Island (I once accidentally called this Spunk Island in front of a rather prudish friend in London, dear God the shame). As you can see from this map Sunk Island, literally 5 mins from here, is a huge area of unspoiled land which was once under the sea. It's incredibly flat and likely to be reclaimed by the sea within the next 100 years, so there are very few houses and roads. I have never been anywhere quite like it.
We saw several interesting species of bird including, what I suspect, was the Great White Egret:
This is a very rare visitor to the UK, a migratory bird. The jury's out as to whether they were Great Whites (size of grey Herons, which I am sure these were) or Little Egrets, which are more common but have yellow feet - I am fairly sure the ones we saw didn't. We saw 3, sat in a tree and one fishing in a drain (ditch to non locals; somewhere where all the field water drains to the Humber). This was at Saltaugh Sands where we have previously seen Kingfishers.
We also saw nine - yes, count 'em - roe deer, in three different groups
They all had fluffy white bottoms. We didn't see any stags. The first three were lay on the ground behind a hedge. They were wary of us and looked straight at us with their ears pricked, but didn't run away. We spent a good few minutes watch each other before they got up, stretched and wondered off to eat some of the crops. It's hard to tell what was planted in that field at the moment, but I suspect it's rape seed.
Third most impressive was two kestrels, at different points. There are several of these locally, we even had one in the garden last year. We get lots of barn owls too, although you tend to see them more in spring.
We also saw curlews, pheasants, avocets, lapwings and oystercatchers. I've arranged them into this little collage. Yes, it was an amazing, very relaxing day out and about in Spunk Island with my lovely husband and sons. The boys were as riveted as we were, especially when they got to look at the boats and squelch about in the mud.
On the down side, I have been feeling seriously suicidal again. I haven't been sleeping - I've frequently started the day at 2am. It's in those dark, lonely hours that I have been wondering if it wouldn't be better for everyone to just slip away quietly, like a star fading into dawn.
The agony is that I am actutely aware of the pain it would cause my family, and so I feel trapped. I feel as though I haven't even got the basic human rights that most people have.
Don't panic, but I have been researching ways to do it. How to tie knots, what doses are needed etc. This upset Dom hugely and we had a very tearful Thursday evening. It's very hard to explain. Firstly, it's a bit like having a mosquito bite - you're compelled to scratch and you're not entirely in control of that scratch. Secondly, I actually find the research helps. The impulse is very frightening and not something I can control. By moving it into the intellectual, reasoning part of the brain, I find I can manage it in a much more controlled way. For example, it'll take over 600 Piriton to finish you off - you'd have got bored and grown a beard by the time you got through that lot. Slashing your wrists is not good for someone whose main lifeline is crafting; if you sever your tendons then essentially you can lose use of your hand permanently. You can see what I mean. Whilst the impulse is strange, what I find is the reality is a) too horrible to want to inflict upon myself and b) I find that the things I am deeply disturbed by are not as awful as you might imagine. For a long time I have had a dread of bodies, injuries, being the first on the scene sort of thing. Weirdly, now I think I could handle it. It sort of helps me look in on myself from the outside, rather than being consumed by the fear.
That sort of sums up my week. To be honest, since Thursday its been much better. I spoke to the counsellor at length, and they don't think I am ill enough to be referred to the Psych team - which is reassuring and frustrating in equal measure. I want to stop feeling like this. But then I only want to go through this once, so I need every moment of experience to learn all that I can.
I am in the midst of Christmas knitting and can't wait to show you what I have made. I am really enjoying it. I have this weird sort of life - really deep lows, and a perfect stillness, better clarity than I have had for years. Honestly, deep down, I feel as though I am getting to the root of me. It's taken me a long time to get this far, but the more I experience it, the more I know this is a process I have to experience and I will end it a permanently changed person. I am hibernating, and I am observing. It's uncomfortable at times, but I am surviving.
Thanks for checking back on me, I hope you are OK too. I think about you often, and I am deeply touched on those who check in on me regularly, even when I haven't updated for a while.
Love and hugs
C x
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